Dear Parents who think it's a charming and innovative idea to 'gift' children who attend your kid's parties with the blessing of a fish as their loot bag, fuck off with that shit RIGHT NOW.
So far, my children have been to 2 separate parties and have brought home a total of 4 fish.
Wonder-fucking-ful.
2 Betta fish (who actually ARE quite lovely little fish) and 2 goldfish (who are dirty, filthy, disgusting pigs).
The bettas came first. Each in a separate little vase with gravel and a packet of food. Now I know that bettas, in their own environment, can be raised practically in a puddle but they're in MY environment now and I can't say that I'm all to cracked on cleaning their tanks out every 4-7 days. I have other shit I need to do. Like blog.
If you think the solution is to have my children clean the tanks, think again. Who exactly is going to clean up after THEM? A 4 year old and an 8 year old have no business cleaning filthy shitwater in MY kitchen.
Then came the goldfish.
When I saw my kids arriving home with them I thought I was going to puke.
Really? Honestly? Fuck sakes.
And then it got REAL bad.
The goldfish are disgusting. And leaving them in their little carrying cases was also not going to be an option because I'd have to clean out THEIR tanks about every 20 m-f-ing minutes.
So, what are my options?
Kill the fish and have to explain it to my kids or spend money we DON'T have on getting these stupid 'gifts' better housing.
Well, I can't say that I give a shit about what my bank thinks of me but I DO care about what my kids think of me so into overdraft I go!
First came the bigger tanks and more gravel. Oh and food. And of course we now have to buy them soft fake plants because really, how much pleasure is there in a captive fish's existence? Exactly. None. A fake plant will make these fish think they've died and gone to the bottom of the lake. Geez - I almost forgot about the water conditioner you MUST have in order for their survival and of course, aquarium salt. Oh yeah, and no matter how big a tank you invest in, unless you still want to clean it every week you have to get a filtration system. Yup. Oh and don't forget the heater for the bettas because if the water isn't a certain temperature, they will become very unhappy and therefore, the children will become unhappy. Just like the morning we all woke up and saw that one of the children's fish wasn't moving around very much and seemed to have lost his 'spirit'. (Shut. Up.)
This led to an emergency trip across town to buy medicine, which I have discovered, is quite hard to locate. The good news is that the fish, by some miracle of miracles, is better.
The bad news is that these 'free' fish have now cost me well over a hundred dollars and the debt just keeps on growing.
So, parents, the next time you think it's fun or cool to have a LIVE ANIMAL as a loot bag at your children's party, DON'T. Or else I'm showing up with a kitten at YOUR house. A kitten with a belly full of fish.
